


Conflict of Interest

by VioletKnox



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, F/M, M/M, Reader-Insert, Reader-Interactive
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-16
Updated: 2020-07-11
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:54:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 13,459
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21822484
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VioletKnox/pseuds/VioletKnox
Summary: Fed up with the dangers the new Muggle Studies and Defense Professors cause, you storm into the Headmaster’s chambers, hoping to convey your concerns, but when the conversation takes a turn you don’t expect, you are left unsure of what to do.
Relationships: Severus Snape & Reader, Severus Snape/Reader, Severus Snape/You
Comments: 24
Kudos: 110
Collections: Snape and Reader Collection





	1. Conflict of Interest

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: “Give me a reason to stay!”  
> This one shot is part of a writing challenge I participated in via Tumblr by @moonlight-thesterals. It was a lot of fun to write and I hope you enjoy :)

The harsh sound of your shoes clicking against the hard-concrete floors of Hogwarts echoed down the empty corridor leading out of the Great Hall. The students had all been instructed to return to their dorms, escorted by their Head of House, all except those injured in the duel that had taken place not moments ago. Those less fortunate lay hanging between the thin veil separating the living from the dead were taken to the infirmary as Madam Pomfrey worked overtime. 

You’d stayed back to help clean up the mess left behind. Pools of blood reflecting the twinkling stars from above by student and Death Eater alike. It was really in this moment you’d come to truly appreciate Mr. Flich and his adequate ability to keep the halls of this great castle so clean without the use of magic. You pitied him really, always struggling to steer those around him from the sad truth of his less than magical abilities with the unreasonable expectation to keep up the pristine condition of a school so large. Others presumed he filled his time chasing Peeves, or punishing some less fortunate students caught after dark, assigned the task of cleaning without the ability to simply flick their wand and watch the dust clear off the hanging portraits or the trail of mud left behind by students. But the truth was much more bleak than that. 

Perhaps that’s why you found yourself repairing Slytherin’s broken table and the crumbled pillars lining the walls, listening to a bitter old man mumble under his breath in the far corner as his cat eyed you, sitting upon the head table, providing a less than helpful vitality. Or perhaps it was your last attempt to gather yourself before every thought you’d bottled up this year burst out of you like confetti. But, alas, a moment alone, away from the madness, had done you no good, that much was clear as you found yourself unable to walk at a pace less resembling that of a graceful peacock and more of a tiger chasing after its prey. 

A duel. That’s what the Carrows were calling it rather than what it really was. A feeble attempt at an execution. A mere display of power from the Death Eaters who’d invaded the school that employed you over the past few short years, provided you with a home, a sense of safety. Where was that shelter now? Where could you, or anyone for that matter, seeking a place away from the danger of falling at the hand of a Dark Wizard run off to? Surely not here. Not anymore. 

It seemed like just yesterday you’d received a letter from Dumbledore asking to chat over tea and discuss the possibility of sharing a classroom with Professor McGonagall. It had shocked you at first; the offer he made was one you’d never imagined receiving. You were well aware the Deputy Headmistress had too much on her plate, trying to balance her duties for Dumbledore with the needs of the Order, all while teaching a core subject at Hogwarts. It would be too much for anyone to handle, so it wasn’t much of a surprise to hear they were searching for someone to ease her workload and teach Transfiguration to the younger students. What did take you back was the fact that Dumbledore had come to _you_ for the position. You’d never taught before and you’d barely passed your N.E.W.Ts in the subject. You were hardly a fit candidate for the job. 

Of course, it became abundantly clear after a few short minutes chatting with the old Wizard that the reason you’d been considered was because of the glowing recommendation given by none other than Severus Snape himself. The cunning Head of Slytherin, the fearful Potions Master of Hogwarts recommending you, a simple saleswoman bouncing from any shop willing to employ her. Teaching at Hogwarts was naturally a much better career choice than what you had going for you at the time, but you couldn’t help but feel underqualified, like you’d cheated the system, all because of the love that blossomed between you and one of their most admirable professors to teach in a century. 

Nevertheless, you’d been assured you had what it took to guide the students of Hogwarts and sure enough, you had quickly found yourself loving your job. You cherished the look on your students’ faces when they managed to transfigure a match into a needle or switch the position of their quill and parchment. And the best part was, you got to retire each night alongside Severus. No more coming home to an empty house. No more restless nights because you had no one beside you. You had each other, and it only strengthened your relationship despite the fact you’d kept it hidden from everyone, except from Dumbledore of course. But he was gone now. You needn’t worry about your little secret spilling without your knowledge, you had the power to publicise your relationship and yet, you stayed hidden. In fact, it seemed as though it had been hidden so well, you wondered at times if you were even still together. Separate chambers, separate visions, separate futures, separate lives. What was left to share?

Finally, you arrived at your destination; the Headmaster’s chamber, a place you no longer felt welcome, but you had to be here. You had to voice your concerns. If he’d listen to anyone, it’d be you. 

Hand over the knob, you closed your eyes and took in a deep breath. One final chance to do this without a head filled with rage. Still it was no use. Your anger stayed bubbled at the surface, ready to burst. Reluctantly, you twisted open the door, the creaking of hinges making your presence known. 

There he was, sitting in his armchair, arms folded under his chin liked he’d been impatiently waiting for you to come home for hours. You stood frozen, examining the heavy lines between his brows and under his eyes that formed over the last few years. Finding the courage you needed, you quickly shut the door, ready to give him an ear full only to have your thoughts snatched away from you. 

“Don’t.” His tone was flat, and you suddenly understood why students were always so terrified of him. “I already know what you’re going to say.” Your mind went completely blank, everything you had been planning to say, all the lectures you wanted to give him, had suddenly disappeared, evaporated as if he’d performed the vanishing charm, like he’d stolen the words right off your tongue, keeping them as his own. 

“Oh?” Your words may be gone, but your rage, making itself apparent, clear as day, certainly made up for that fact. You made your way over and stood behind the couch, adjacent to where he sat. “Well don’t keep me waiting then,” you placed your hands on the soft fabric of the sofa before you continued, “Please Severus, do enlighten me. What is it I’m going to say?”

He eyed you before pushing himself to his feet, making his way around the armchair to face you. He stood there a foot taller than you and it was only then you’d notice his chest had been heaving, no doubt his blood boiling as his heart worked overtime, trying to make up for whatever it was pumping through his veins causing that bloodshot in his eyes. He was angry, that much was clear. But there was something else weighing him, something else driving him to clench his fists shut. 

“You’re going to tell me that I shouldn’t have let what happened today get as far as it did. That it’s somehow my fault, that I should have stopped them.” Words spilled from his mouth, each one carrying a louder acoustic than the last. All he’d ever wanted was to make something of himself. To be something more than the half-blood living in muggle poverty. That need intensified when he met you, wanting to make you proud. But it seemed all he’d ever managed to do thus far was fail and disappoint you. 

“And why didn’t you?” He was right. He knew exactly what you wanted to say and he knew exactly what was troubling you… because he felt it too.

“You know why,” his voice dropped a few octaves as his eyes narrowed. Was he talking about his position as a spy? Would he really let such a thing disrupt his morals? Would he really let innocent children take the fall just to keep suspicion off of him?

“You’re Headmaster Severus, you have the authority to tell them off,” you tried to reason with him, tried to knock a bit of sense into him, hoping to remind him he had power now. He was no longer a simple Potions Master, but the _Headmaster of Hogwarts_. He had the ability to make real change to the school. Under You-Know-Who’s command or not, it just wasn’t acceptable for him to stand there and watch the world burn around him when you knew he could do something about it.

“Thank you (Y/N) for enlightening me of my position,” his sarcasm stung. You hadn’t expected such a sharp comment from him in a heated moment such as this. 

“Don’t give me that tone!” you spat back, index finger pointed straight at his chest as you would your wand. If he was going to shoot at you like that, you had no issue shooting back. “It’s not my fault you don’t know how to do your job.”

“How to do my job!?” his voice rose with yours, “Need I remind you that _I_ am the reason you even work at this school in the first place!” His tongue burned as the words escaped his lips. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt you, but that defensive part of him, that part James Potter brought out all those years ago, just sprang up when he’d feel threatened, like a butterfly changing the colour of its wings to blend into its surroundings. 

“Then perhaps I should just relinquish my position if it’s so tainted.” You fought back tears. Not because of the acute strain carried by his words, but because you actually meant what you said, and it hurt to think about leaving his side at a time like this. But what would you do here? You were absolutely powerless staying as a part-time teacher. Worse than that, you were forced to play pretend every day, to act as though you were beneath those who’d chosen the Dark Lord’s side. 

You loved Severus, you did, but what he was doing, it just wasn’t something you could encourage any longer. If you left Hogwarts, you could join whatever was left of the Order, help in any way you could on the front line of the battlefield, hunting down Death Eaters. But to sacrifice all you had with the man you’d fallen so deeply in love with would be an absolute tragedy. He was something special, what you had with him was special. Whatever it was that made him so mesmerizing, you just knew you would never find elsewhere, and that simple fact was why you held on so long. Why you felt it worth one last shot to stay with him and try to make sense of the mess of a life you were now living. 

“Severus, those children could have died. Longbottom almost…” your gaze dropped to the floor, remembering the beating that poor boy took, all because he had stood up for a young Ravenclaw against those savages. “You have to make them stop.” Desperation emulated in your voice. Your last chance to try and steer Severus to help your students. You had to make it count. 

“I can’t make them do anything without jeopardizing my position with the Dark Lord, you know this!” he pressed on those last few words as if it would end the conversation. But you weren’t done. You weren’t giving up just yet. There had to be something he could do, anything to help ease the suffering reminiscing through the school. He hadn’t even tried to discuss options with you and instead had gone straight to dismissing your concerns. All you wanted was to know he’d at least grazed the possibility of telling off the Carrows or replacing them entirely. All you wanted was to see that the man you’d fallen in love with was still alive in there somewhere.

“So you’ll just stand by and watch them kill innocent children!”

“Don’t be dramatic (Y/N). No one’s died, I’ve made sure of that,” and it really wasn’t an easy task to accomplish. Not with the friends Potter left behind running around the castle, breaking into his office, essentially begging to give the Carrows an excuse to sentence them to death. They were truly testing the boundaries of the Death Eaters, one Severus wasn’t sure he’d manage to keep them from breaking even if the culprits were Pure Bloods, the Carrows had become so restless, it just didn’t seem enough to keep them at bay. 

“Longbottom came close today!” you exclaimed. How easily he’d seemed to have forgotten the events that led you here. “You saw what happened! And you just stood there!” You searched his eyes, hoping to find some sort of regret, anything to tell you he understood his actions today were unacceptable. But you found nothing. “He’s a student of Hogwarts and is under our care! Under _your_ care!” 

He couldn’t deny the truth bleeding from your statement. He knew it was his duty to protect the boy, no matter how many times he spoke out of term in class or snuck about the castle. But it wasn’t his job as Headmaster, it wasn’t even the orders Dumbledore barked at him, even from beyond the grave that bound Severus to the obligation of keeping Longbottom and those delinquents safe. It was the same reason he was here now, willing to play the villain, willing to risk everything, his life, his career, his future with you. Redemption. Forgiveness. All for the simple mistake he’d made as a young ignorant boy, betraying the one good person in his life at the time. 

“That’s not fair-”

“No it’s not fair! It’s not fair the students have to live in fear. It’s not fair they’re being tortured as punishment for speaking out of terms or struggling to perform a spell,” your voice carried despair as you continued, “It’s not fair that we, as professors, are powerless to stop it! It’s not fair that I have to sit here as your partner, pretending everything is alright when we both know it’s not!” 

What was he supposed to do? Tell you that the reason he simply stood there today was because the toll put on him was so great that he’d frozen when Alecto drew her wand, blasting a spell of his own creation into the crowd of students? That he’d been so taken aback by the abrupt action, he didn’t react in time to keep the children from harm? That Longbottom had paid the price for his brief moment of dismay because the candle he’d been burning at both ends was fizzling out. 

No one said it would be easy. No one said it would be a simple task and of course it didn’t turn out to be. But never in his years had he imagined a scenario like this. He knew what he signed up for the moment he turned to Dumbledore, begging him to save Lily. And when he was asked to play the spy a second time, he didn’t blink an eye because it was the right thing to do, because it’s what Lily would have wanted. He accepted the pain that came with the responsibility of the job, he bit his tongue when Dumbledore asked too much of him. But what made the weight he felt so much worse, was finding love and letting it die all for the mission of taking down the Dark Lord. 

“Why are you talking to me as if I’m unaware of these things? You think I like the way everyone looks at me now? Sixteen years I spent working alongside those people and they all look at me like I’m some… traitor.” The accusations weren’t all wrong of course. He had killed Dumbledore (under his orders), throwing him off the astronomy tower. If only they knew the truth. “And you think I haven’t noticed the tension between us? How you practically flinch every time I walk into a room. You think I enjoy seeing those kids suffer? I. DON’T!”

You felt your heart painfully skip a beat as he shouted at you, but you stayed collected, firmly planting your feet in the hopes it would keep you from falling to pieces. Had he really noticed all those changes? You had to keep up appearances in public, but had you really kept up your guard on the rare occasions you’d find alone time together? You’d told yourself it was lack of time. Between classes, patrolling the halls, Severus’ never-ending duties, you never had time to see one another, confide in one another like you used to. But those were simple excuses, they were a mere facade for the truth; you no longer felt the need to be around him, to be with him. 

Straightening your back and lifting your chin, you took in a deep breath, slowly exhaling before you calmly continued, “Then do something about it.”

“I’ve done everything I could. I’ve sacrificed so much.” A brief moment passed as you watched his shield break, complete despair seeping through those heavy washed out black eyes of his. Years under Dumbledore’s order had completely washed out the small twinkle you’d loved so much when you first met, and you suddenly felt a great deal of sorrow for him. You’d never given much thought to the strain he’d taken over the years. How could you when he’d stopped talking to you about it? _It’s better you don’t know,_ he’d say, _It’s too much for you to handle._

Severus turned his back on you as he stood there, his head hung low as he felt himself finally letting go. Just one quick moment of weakness. It’s all he needed. _Let me have this._ A tear slowly trickled down his cheek as he tried to pick up the pieces of his soul that never seemed to fit together anymore. He wanted to blame Dumbledore or Potter, even the Dark Lord, but he had no one to blame but himself for the predicament he’d gotten himself in. 

“I didn’t want this. It wasn’t supposed to be this way,” his voice so low, you could barely hear the words stumbling out of his mouth. You’d never seen him like this before, so fragile, so vulnerable, so defeated. You let out a heavy breath, wondering if you’d gone too far, if you’d pushed him too far.

When he took the teaching position at Hogwarts, he thought becoming Headmaster one day would help fulfill his need for a sense of purpose, that it wasn’t a dream out of his reach. He thought perhaps he’d become McGonagall’s deputy Headmaster and later become the second Slytherin to be pasted the goblet and responsibilities of such a high valued position. That he’d finally earn the respect from the wizarding world he craved so much. The world would know his name as a reputable Headmaster, one that would challenge the reputations of his predecessors. 

Not once would he ever imagine this reality as the legacy he’d leave behind. Severus Sanpe: murder, traitor, merciless, cruel… Death Eater. Was that all he had to his name now? Was that all he’d made of himself?

You took a step closer, gently placing a hand on his shoulder, feeling the slight vibrations under your palm as his body shock. He was holding back, that much was clear. All this time, he’d been hurting, suffering alone when you thought he simply didn’t care enough to help the students. Shame swept through you as you thought back to all the times you’d shut him out, ignored his feelings or avoided spending time with him alone. 

“Severus…” His body went stiff as you placed your free hand over his waist, hoping to show him though you hadn’t been there to listen to him before, you were willing to now. The air felt coarse, a feeling you’d gotten used to when being around him. It had to change. Everything had to change if you were to make this work. 

Wrapping both arms around his narrow waist, you pressed your lips to his shoulder as you hugged him. Words were not enough for this moment. Nothing you could say would ever compare to the affection you offered him now. 

“You should go,” he spoke softly, his voice filled with regret, his words taking you back. Just when you finally felt as though you’d made some sort of progress, here he was pulling back, retreating into the cave he’d banished you from months ago. 

“Severus-” you took a step back, leaving your hands over his waist before he suddenly walked forward, pushing himself away.

“Just go!” he shouted, standing parallel to the armrest of the couch. His lips twitched in a frown, his brows furrowed in anger, but his eyes betrayed him, the pain he felt still floating through his black orbs. 

“No!” You turned and walked around the couch, taking a seat, anchoring yourself to the room. “We’re not done.” You placed a hand on the empty spot beside you, hoping he’d take the hint, but as he’s arms crossed, you could tell that shell he’d formed wasn’t coming down any time soon. 

“Need to yell at me some more?” He shot a brow at you as he shifted his weight to one side. 

“Severus!” your voice stern as if speaking to one of your students. You let out a huff of air in frustration, trying to come up with another snarky comment to shoot back, “ I-I-I’ve said everything I’ve had to say,” you couldn’t let his words get to you now that the dust had cleared and you understood how he felt, you had to show him he could trust you. “I want to be there for you, Sev! Please!” 

“You’ve made it abundantly clear these last few months you want _nothing_ to do with me.” He kept his expression laying neutral, but you could tell he felt resentful towards you, his right hand squeezing his arm, pushing it closer to his chest. 

He was wrong. You cared for him, you wanted to be with him, but you’d let this war, this mission get in the way, clouding your opinion of him with animosity and fear. He played his part so well in front of others, it had become hard for you to see past the mask he wore. 

“That’s-That’s not true! I love you-”

“Stop,” his arms finally unfolded as he took a quick step forward, hunching over so his face was closer to yours. A move of intimidation he used all too often. “Stop lying to yourself. Stop lying to me!”

“Don’t do that!” you pushed forward, raising your voice, matching his pressuring stance. 

“Do what? Tell you the truth?” he placed his hands over the armrest, and you watched his knuckles turn a paler shade, something you didn’t think possible. 

“Don’t push me away! You always do this! You always push away anytime you open yourself up!”

“I never should have opened myself up, don’t you understand that! If I do so, I become vulnerable, and anyone I care for-” he stopped, letting his sentence trail off in fear that if he said it out loud, it would come true. The thought of once again losing the only positive thing in his life, was one he could never bring himself to consider. He had to protect you, even if that meant pushing you away. You were oblivious of course, but he’d given you his heart and he had to keep it safe. It was all he had left, the only thing he still valued. “I can’t have that on my conscience.” he looked away, pushing himself back to his feet. 

The Dark Lord had taken Lily from him, taken his love, his life, what would stop him from doing so again if he deemed it appropriate? Absolutely nothing. After twelve long years of willowing alone, an empty shell seeking to find a soul, he’d finally found one. He’d found you and he couldn’t go through it again. He’d die this time if it happened again. 

“It’s not your job to worry over me. It was my decision to stay, my decision to be with you despite-” you’d been talking so fast, desperate to make him understand, you hadn’t noticed the words you let slip your tongue. Stopping in your tracks, you let out a soft breath as your back straightened, looking him straight in the eye, “despite everything.”

“That was before…before all of this.” Why would you choose to stay now after _everything_? You had to have regretted the choice you’d made to stay with him after he’d informed you of what he was now that everything had gone so sideways. Surely this wasn’t what you’d signed up for and he wouldn’t blame you if you decided it was too much, that he wasn’t worth the effort. 

“This. This situation we are in, doesn’t change anything. It shouldn’t change anything, and I’m sorry I let it.” You could see him relaxing as you spoke. Finally, that damn wall was coming down. “But Sev, I’m here for you. You just have to talk to me, you just have to let me in, and we can figure all of this out together.” Scooting towards him, you reached over the armrest and grabbed his hand, holding on tightly as he let his fingers hang weakly. He couldn’t let himself falter and lean into the crutch you’d provided him with all these years. He had to be strong, to be resilient to keep you safe. “I can help you with the Carrows, with the burden you carry.”

Severus watched as your eyes begged for that piece of him he’d kept locked away from you all these years. He fought the urge to curl his fingers as he felt your hand tighten around his. The need to open himself up rising higher the longer he stood there, stunned by your gaze, your touch, your affection. 

“No,” he pulled his limp hand away from you, letting his eyes wander, trying to fix on anything other than you. It hurt too much to look at you, thinking about you in his position, he could never let that happen. “That’s not your job and it’s-”

“Too much for me to handle?” you finished his sentence, knowing exactly where this conversation was going; exactly the same place as all the others you’d had anytime his life as a spy came up. “Maybe I _should_ just leave then.” What was the point of staying on this carousel of empty promises and regretful remarks if it was never going to stop? 

You waited. Waited for the words of predilection to slip his tongue. Words you’d been hoping to hear all night, but they never came. It was a lost cause indeed. You’d been fooled once more into thinking you were special, that you’d be the one person on this planet he could trust. Perhaps you should have heeded his advice and ran away when he gave you the chance all those years ago. If you knew this is where every conversation would lead, that he’d never trust you enough to share his burdens with you, would you have stayed? 

Placing your hands on the edge of the sofa, you began pushing yourself up to make headway on your previous statement having run out of patience, when you heard his broken voice coming out as a whisper, a tone new to your ears. 

“Don’t go.” His eyes glazed with tears when he saw your notion to leave. He couldn’t let it end this way. He didn’t mean what he said before, he wanted you beside him. The only light he had in this sea of darkness, he couldn’t let it burn out. 

**“Give me a reason to stay!”** you shouted, finally pushing yourself off the couch completely. Your eyes desperately searched his as you stood, praying he’d take this chance to take back what he’d said. But once again, you were disappointed by the silence that filled the room. The ambiance dead around you as it had been these last few months. Was this really it? Was it over?

Severus’ chest heaved as he let out short panicked breaths as though he’d just chased a snitch halfway across the world, and in a way, you supposed he had. This relationship had brought you such euphoria in the past, neither of you quite realized how painful it had become as you both desperately tried to hunt down what you had before. Blinded by love, you’d both failed to see the toxicity you’d surround yourself with, tip toeing around one another, hoping the other wouldn’t notice the sudden shift in aura, pretending as though everything was as it once was. It was time you both opened your eyes to the truth; so long as this conflict existed, neither of you would ever be truly happy. 

“I can’t do this. I’m done,” you shook your head, his lack of words telling you all you needed to know, before heading towards the door. Severus watching your every movement, a ping piercing his heart each time you took a step away from him. The conversation was over, and you’d made up your mind. Reaching for the door knob, you gave it a tug and the door swung open. Turning your head, you looked back, the flame you both tried so hard to keep lit died down as you uttered the last two words he’d ever hear you speak before stepping out of the door, leaving your heart behind. 

“I quit.”


	2. Returning Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You head back to Hogwarts to fight for the Order during the battle and find Severus to get answers to your questions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Angst… with a capital A 👉👈👉👈 Death, Blood, Voldemort and more angst
> 
> A/N: This takes place a few months after part 1 in the middle of the war. I’ve pasted a few quotes from the book which I’ll mention at the bottom to avoid spoilers and obviously the credit for that goes to JKR.
> 
> Obviously I’ve been writing too much fluff lately soooooo…… I’M NOT SORRY!

Everything was in ruins. The castle in a worse state than the night you’d left, abandoning your home, the responsibility you had to the students that now lay dead on the floors of the one place they were supposed to be safe, the place their parents had put their faith in when they agreed to send them back in September. You’d abandoned your love, your life, everything you’d held dear. A job that gave you everything yet left you feeling so unfulfilled. But what choice did you have? Severus Snape, Headmaster of Hogwarts, your partner and thought to be soulmate had done exactly what you’d feared and led the once great school into war. And where was he now? Hiding away somewhere to save his skin? Or perhaps he truly was the Death Eater everyone but you believed him to be, gone to stand by his Master’s side. Oh how the great have fallen, crashing and burning to the ground with nothing to show for but betrayal and loss. What would he say to you now that your nightmares had all come true? All that hope you’d carried for him gone. How could he possibly explain this chaos and exonerate himself from the horror he’d caused?

Every corner you turned you were greeted by more bloodshed. Innocents dead, Death Eaters throwing every type of Dark Magic left and right. Not a single stone in Hogwarts walls was left undamaged; some chipped or torn out from its place and most others displaying the blood of students, staff members, Aurors… your friends, ex-colleagues and peers. The sight made you wish you’d both arrived sooner and never shown up at the same time. It made you wish you’d done more than the petty hunting you’d taken part in these last few months. What good were a few caught Death Eaters now that they’d all gathered and attacked the school, destroying the place you’d left to protect?

Heading down to the end of the corridor, you turned towards the loudest of the three halls the castle offered you, filled with nothing but chaos and found a few Aurors, some you recognized, others you thought were too young to enter such a racking fight, defending themselves against a bundle of Death Eaters. You quickly joined them, throwing curse after curse, standing by their side, holding your own against the Dark Magic thrown your way. 

You’d barely begun defending the school when suddenly, the wall behind the Death Eaters you fought exploded outwards, sending rockets of stone their way. You quickly shielded yourself, casting _protego_ and watched as the school defended itself. Every Death Eater was thrown off their feet, some greeting death as soon as they hit the ground and others finding themselves not so lucky, facing wounds that would defeat even the best Healer in the world before facing down the end of an Auror’s wand. 

Holding your wand up stead, you made your way towards the rubble, casting the killing curse towards a Death Eater the second you saw them twitch and stepped over the broken wall to a sight even worse than that you’d previously been greeted with. Groups of students lay dead as others ran down the corridor only to fall at the hand of another Death Eater. You couldn’t stand the sight and your anger grew the more you thought about how insignificant your helping hand really was these last few months. You were only one person, what could you possibly do to truly help these poor kids?

Making your way down the hall, you did what you could, saving as many students as possible until you heard the familiar sound of a voice you could have sworn could only belong to man of the hour himself, the Chosen One; Harry Potter. But it was him, it had to be, who else would be so bold as to use the name of you-know-who so openly, especially at a time like this?

“You need to find out where Voldemort is, because he’ll have the snake with him, won’t he? Do it, Harry- look inside him!” You couldn’t recognize the girl’s voice at first, the fear hidden in her tone masking her usual confidence, but of course it had to be Miss. Granger. 

Silence fell a while and you edged closer towards them, still hiding behind the broken wall, keeping your presence scarce. 

“He’s in the Shrieking Shack,” Harry finally spoke. “The snake’s with him, it’s got some sort of magical protection around it. He’s just sent Lucius Malfoy to find Snape.”

Your heart nearly stopped at the mere mention of Severus. So, it _was_ true. It was all true and you’d been too blinded by love, convincing yourself his words were enough to believe when they were nothing more than lies. Your vision blurred as you placed a hand over your mouth, trying to keep from falling apart, tears running down your cheeks. You slumped to the ground and all the noise, all the chaos around you disappeared as you spiraled down the rabbit hole of grief. There was no need for a spy now, no need to pretend during this wad and if Harry’s words were true, that left you with one obvious conclusion; Severus Snape was a Death Eater. 

“He’s not-he’s not even FIGHTING?” Hermione had never sounded so outraged before, her risen voice snapping your mind back to reality. Your head pounded, fighting your heart which begged to find another explanation for Severus, anything to prove what you had with him wasn’t a lie. You wanted so badly to believe you’d hallucinated this conversation, that Harry had made up what he said was true but the more they spoke, the more your hope faded along with your dreams of a pleasant reunion. 

“He doesn’t think he needs to fight,” said Harry. “He thinks I’m going to go to him.”

You closed your eyes, unable to hear anymore. Your head felt like it was about to implode from rejecting the fact that Severus had lied to you, telling you he was fighting, spying for Dumbledore when he’d double crossed the Order, he’d double crossed you. Placing your face in your hands, you brought your knees up to your chest, taking deep breaths as you tried to clear your mind. Now was not the time to panic. Now wasn’t the time to feel resentful. A war had broken out and you were in the midst of it. The important thing right now was to fight and win this battle before all was lost to the darkness that had enveloped your love. 

But if Severus had been truthful to you, the one person in his life you knew he trusted more than anyone, then perhaps there was something going on greater than these attacks. Something you were unaware of. Why was Harry Potter looking for that snake and why was it so heavily protected? If anyone knew, it would be Severus, and if Potter and his friends were planning to make their way to the Shrieking Shack then it was only logical for you to go with them. Even if Severus had betrayed you, even if there was no deeper plot, you could still do your part and protect the boy who lived. He was supposed to be the key to winning this war after all, so the best thing you could do for the sake of the Wizarding World was find the truth and protect him. 

Just when you’d finally made a decision and jumped back up to your feet, you heard two Death Eaters shouting for Potter, approaching him with their drawn wands. But Miss. Granger had beaten you to the punch, attacking them before making a break for it. With the sudden chaos that ensued, you could no longer spot them. You honestly weren’t sure if they’d decided on their next move, but you knew at least one of them would head to the Shrieking Shack which meant they would all do what they could to assist. 

You quickly sprinted towards the Entrance Hall, encountering Death Eater after Death Eater on your way, but finally you’d found yourself outside the castle doors, spotting Potter and his friends running out of range of a giant screaming ‘Hagger’. You couldn’t even stop to question the giant and his eagerness. Time was of the essence. You watched them sprint towards the Whomping Willow and remembered the story Severus had told you about the time he’d caught Sirius Black. 

He’d told you about how he’d found him in the Shrieking Shack by following Potter into a secret tunnel under the Whomping Willow. He’d never told you how he knew about the tunnel, but at the time, you hadn’t thought to question it, enticed by Severus’ bravery and ambition instead. Whatever the case may be, his story clearly had some truth to it and could help you find your own way to the Shrieking Shack after those kids who suddenly seemed to have disappeared.

No matter, you knew exactly where they were heading, and they couldn’t be too far ahead of you. Soon enough, you’d managed to make your way to the tree that had begun aggressively swinging its branches in every direction. You quickly found a nearby branch and made your way to the knot under its trunk, immobilizing it as soon as you hit it, just as Severus had described. Ducking into the opening under the tree, you found yourself completely in the dark with nothing but silence accompanying you. Taking out your wand, you cast _lumos_ and began making your way down the seemingly endless tunnel. 

Eventually, the end came near and you felt your heart pound aggressively against your chest, your adrenaline beginning to wear as the fear of what you might encounter on the other side of this trap door ensued. You’d come all this way, there was no going back now, no backing down. This is what you’d come for, what you’d left Severus for; the chance to help end this war. 

You summoned up every last ounce of bravery you had to spare and pushed aside your doubt along with the trap door, climbing into the Shrieking Shack and immediately found yourself met with an agonizing scream coming from the room next door. You slowly edged your way to the exit, staying with your back pressed against the wall, wand at the ready and found Potter, Granger and Weasley all crouched down, listening in on whatever was happening in the next room. When the commotion settled and you heard he-who-must-not-be-named leave the room, you watched the trio walk in with a lack of defensive precaution.

To say you were baffled by their motions would be an understatement. Clearly there was still someone in there and to head in acting as if they’d been called for dinner without their wands at the ready was completely absurd. You quickly moved forward gripping your own wand tightly, ready for whatever it was you were about to walk into as you followed them into the unknown room. But no amount of precaution or training could have prepared you for the sight you saw as soon as you turned that corner. 

“Severus,” you whispered in complete and utter shock. He was lying there with his throat cut out, his hands desperately grasping at Potter as the floor was painted red with his blood. You felt your heart collapse, your head spin in agony as you rushed forward, pushing past Granger and Weasley, throwing yourself on the ground beside Severus. You’d never felt so helpless, so useless before in your life. You wanted to help, you wanted to save him, but you didn’t know how. 

A terrible rasping, gurgling noise suddenly issued from Severus’ throat and your attention was brought up to watch his eyes desperately begging Potter for something you could never begin to even imagine. 

“Take…it…Take…it…”

Memories oozed out of his mouth, eyes and ears but you couldn’t be bothered to wonder what he was doing, you couldn’t accept this. He can’t die, he can’t. He hasn’t explained himself to you yet. He hasn’t told you how wrong everyone was to call him a Death Eater, how he truly was fighting for the light, how he was simply doing as he was told standing by the side of you-know-who as Dumbledore had asked. He hasn’t told you how much he loved you. 

You looked down at your wand and blinked away your tears. This can’t be it, it simply can’t. This is not the end, it just can’t be. Hovering your wand over his neck, you began muttering every healing charm you could think of, holding on to the hope that one of them would work despite the fact that you knew deep down those marks on his neck indicated snake venom was running through his veins, poisoning him and ripping out any smidge of life he had left to give. 

You didn’t stop, you couldn’t stop until you felt those familiar slim fingers graze your hand. Severus had motioned for you to halt your motions, but you couldn’t accept that, shaking your head as your eyes filled with tears, looking into his. His hand felt so weak, so cold, colder than usual and his face was so pale. He was dying and you couldn’t do anything but beg and plead for him to stay. 

“Please… please don’t leave me,” you whispered, leaning as close to him as you could, placing your hand above him as you dropped your wand. 

Severus kept his eyes glued to yours, a few more memories escaping his lips as he focused on your touch, the delicate features of your face, your hair. He’d missed you so much these last few months; they were torture without you and he knew he’d only made it as far as he did with this mission because you’d been by his side. Even when you’d left, it was the thought of seeing your face once this was all over that kept him going. How poetic must it be for your face to be the last he’d see now. 

“Look…at….me…” he whispered, bringing your attention from the second flask Granger had used to capture the last set of memories he’d given up and back to him. Your eyes met one last time before that twinkle behind his black orbs vanished, his hand slipping between yours and thudded to the ground.

“No.” The word stumbled out of your mouth as you desperately went to reach for his hand, grasping it tightly with your own and bringing it up to your chest. Your swallowed screams came out as incoherent whines as you tried searching his eyes, finding nothing but emptiness. He was gone. 

You’d barely had two seconds to process what just happened when suddenly, the voice of he-who-must-not-be-named echoed through your ears, filling your mind with vile thoughts of anger and fear atop the grief you’d felt for your lost love. 

“You have fought,” said the high, cold voice, “valiantly. Lord Voldemort knows how to value bravery.”

You closed your eyes, somehow hoping that would shut him out, that it would shut out the world to leave you be or wake you from this hellish nightmare you were living. But you were given no such luck as he continued to speak, his voice resonating the agony and despair you felt. 

“Yet you have sustained heavy losses. If you continue to resist me, you will all die, one by one. I do not wish this to happen. Every drop of magical blood spilled is a loss and a waste. Lord Voldemort is merciful. I command my forces to retreat immediately. You have one hour. Dispose of your dead with dignity. Treat your injured.”

 _Dispose of your dead_. He spoke as if the lives lost during this war were nothing more than trash to him and why would he care? He who never learned to love, never cared for someone as you had Severus. You couldn’t bear looking at his eyes anymore knowing they’d never look back at you. His hand lifeless in yours, never to hold you again. Placing two fingers over his eyelids, you closed them and placed his hand over his chest before reaching into his robes where you knew he stashed his wand to retrieve it.

“I speak now, Harry Potter, directly to you.” His voice still rang in your ears and you finally remembered you weren’t alone. There was still a battle to be won, a war to end, lives to save. “You have permitted your friends to die for you rather than face me yourself. I shall wait for one hour in the Forbidden Forest. If, at the end of that hour, you have not come to me, have not given yourself up, then battle recommences. This time, I shall enter the fray myself, Harry Potter, and I shall find you, and I shall punish every last man, woman, and child who has tried to conceal you from me. One hour.”

“Don’t listen to him,” said Weasley. 

“It’ll be all right.” Granger’s sudden wild tone threw you back and you felt yourself go stiff under all the stress and grief this war had brought. “Let’s– let’s get back to the castle, if he’s gone to the forest we’ll need to think of a new plan–”

The trio all stood to make their way out, but you couldn’t move a muscle. Eyes closed, you hung your head and planted your palms on the ground. You had to wake up, this couldn’t be real. These last few months, they must have been a dream. You’d dreamt it all and you were back in bed with Severus in his chambers at Hogwarts sleeping next to him after making up. It was the only reasonable scenario because this simply _can’t be real,_ it can’t.

“Professor.” But Granger’s voice had just proved you wrong. This was your reality and it was too much for you to withstand. You wanted to stay with Severus no matter what it may bring, yet you knew you couldn’t. You had to protect the children, the students and help the Order fight against that _monster_. 

You took in a deep breath and shoved your grief into a cupboard in the depths of your mind, locking it shut before jumping to your feet, griping hold of your wand along with Severus’ and the flask of memories Granger had left for you. You followed Potter and his friends back through the tunnel from which you came, nothing but silence passed between the four of you as you tried to wrap your head around the events that just occurred. 

You couldn’t think straight. It was all just too much. You wanted answers, you wanted to help and that was supposed to be the point in your trip to the Shrieking Shack but instead of having your questions answered, you’d been shown nothing but what you’d lost and could never regain. 

The darkness accompanied you out of the tunnel as you exited out of the Whomping Willow and dragged yourself to the Great Hall, following the others. You felt unhinged, like this reality wasn’t your own and perhaps it wasn’t. It was the cruel reality of fate, rejected by those who’d stood over their love’s empty vessels. 

You somehow felt yourself envious of those mourning the ones they lost in the Great Hall because at least they could mourn knowing they were loved, hugging those still present in the land of the living. Walking down the room, you gazed upon the students, Aurors and staff members lost in the war, the survivors huddled in groups where the house tables used to stand. Nothing more than hardship and devastation passed from one person to the next. 

Fresh tears streamed down your face at the thought of Severus lying there alone in the shack where you’d left him. He should be here. You should both be huddled in the corner alongside the others thanking Merlin you’d survived this long instead of this loneliness you felt accompanying you as you found your way to the nearest wall, throwing your back up against it and sinking down to the ground. 

You brought your knees up to your chest and wrapped your arms around them, instantly rocking back and forth in an attempt to comfort yourself. You’d never felt such a cascading rush of emotions before, thoughts of anger and resentment replaced by agony and remorse the second you saw Severus on the ground. In that moment, it didn’t matter to you what side he was on. He was your heart, your soul, your everything and he was gone. 

You could never speak to him again, never see him or touch him. It wasn’t fair. You’d never gotten the closure you needed after you’d left and now you felt like you never would. You’d hoped the end of this war would give you the means to find the closure you needed, whether that be accepting Severus as the Death Eater he was or the brilliant and brave man you’d come to know him as. You’d never thought of the possibility you’d be faced with his death instead because he’d always seemed so invincible to you. He was an amazing Wizard with skills you were sure would have rivaled Dumbledore at his best. The possibility of his death seemed laughable back then. Even now as you sat there, playing back what you’d seen, what you’d heard, you weren’t sure what had happened, why he-who-must-not-be-named would kill him when he’d gained his favour last year, becoming his most trusted follower after killing Dumbledore. 

Questions upon questions piled up in your mind and suddenly it became clear to you what you had to do next. The war no longer mattered to you, the battle felt like it had taken place eons ago. You _needed_ answers and the flask Granger had handed you may very well be the only thing you had to provide you with what you needed most. 

Quickly standing to your feet, you began making your way to the Headmaster’s office, your pace fastening the second that gargoyle came into your line of sight. You were about to mutter ‘Dumbledore’, hoping Severus hadn’t changed the password since you’d left when the gargoyle spun open with none other than Harry Potter stepping out of it. Your eyes met and you both froze in place, each one aware why the other was there. It was you who’d moved first, taking a step toward the open door before you heard him speak.

“I’m sorry,” he said, voice small and shriveled. “I didn’t know.”

You looked back at him and watched as he handed you his flask, unsure of what he meant. You took it regardless and gave him one last look before making your way into the office. You’d spent many nights here, speaking with Severus, watching him take orders from Dumbledore’s portrait. You’d resented the place honestly, feeling it too crowded, too grand. You much preferred his old office next to the potions classroom, but with the way he looked when he first entered the room, clearly ecstatic about it all had you keeping your opinion to yourself, letting him enjoy the bit of luxury he’d been given. 

Your eyes finally met with the pensieve, unsurprisingly pulled out of its place. Slowly, you made your way towards it and looked down at the two flasks in your hand. Without a second thought, you put away the one Harry had given you, opening the second one and poured its contents into the pensieve. The blue and silver looked beautiful swirling around in the water and you only hoped the memories you’d see as you dunked your head in would be just as alluring a sight. 

The room spun and you felt yourself falling into darkness until a clear image of Diagon Alley rolled into view. You looked around and noticed the lack of people roaming the streets. It didn’t take long for you to spot Severus in his oversized robes, making headway towards Flourish and Blotts. _I remember this night,_ you thought, smiling to yourself as you quickly followed him into the shop. 

Severus made his way straight for the academic section of the shop knowing exactly where to look as you let your eyes roam around the store searching for… 

“Hello.” Ah, there you were. “Do you need any help?” Your cheeks burned red, feeling awkward at how innocently young you looked back then. You were so clueless back then and it almost hurt to watch you interact with Severus. Though despite the clear lack of love between you both, at least your past self had the pleasure of speaking to him at all. It was more than you could ever hope to do now. 

“You’re new, aren’t you?” Severus looked you up and down, seemingly unimpressed with you but looking at him now, you realized he’d hidden a small smirk behind his ‘better than life’ attitude.

“That obvious?” You’d cracked a smile at him, shifting your weight from one foot to the other. Yes, you could remember this day very clearly now; he was the first customer to have actually struck up a conversation with you while working here and it made you nervous. 

“No,” he replied, looking down at the book he had in his hands. Leaning in closer, you realized he’d done that thing he always did when he was nervous and let his hair fall in his face to hide his growing smirk before composing himself and looking back at you. “I shop here every few months and this is the first I’m seeing you.”

“Ah, a regular. Perhaps I should get to know your name then,” you said, pushing yourself to do as you’d been told and show the customers nothing but a willingness to help as you offered him your hand. Severus looked down at your open palm, hesitating before firmly grasping it. 

“Severus Snape,” he said, looking into your eyes and shaking your hand. You could almost feel his slim, dry fingers grazing the inside of your palm just looking at the figures you knew were just memories. But you couldn’t help the tears that gathered in your eyes, it was so good to see him so full of life again.

“Well, _Severus Snape_ , do you always shop in the boring section or do you ever explore the rest of the store?”

You chuckled at your own joke, whipping away your tears and immediately looked at Severus, watching him scuff in response before the memory washed away, snatched from you just when you felt yourself reconnecting to him. 

“No!” You shouted into the nothingness surrounding you, turning in your place as colour began to settle into place revealing the empty streets of Hogsmeade with Severus standing in the middle of the road, looking as though he was contemplating doing something regrettable. 

You ran up to him, standing before him and examined the look on his face. All you wanted to do was cup his cheeks, wait until his eyes met yours and ask him what was wrong, but it was just a memory. You knew if you reached out, you wouldn’t feel a thing. He’d pass right through you and you just couldn’t handle that disappointment. So you held back, waiting for him to make a move instead. 

After taking a few more moments, he finally began to walk down the street, stopping right in front of The Three Broomsticks as if he was afraid he’d run into someone undesirable the second he walked in. He paused once more as soon as he’d stepped inside, looking around before making his way to the bar. You followed his lead and walked with him as you searched the practically empty pub; the few people who were present all seemed to be minding their own business, nothing out of the ordinary really. 

You watched him slump into a seat, clearly nervous about being here for reasons you didn’t understand. You’d come to this pub with him multiple times and he’d never acted this way. Unless, perhaps, this was the first time he’d stepped foot in Hogsmeade since the night he was thrown out The Hogshead, that would definitely explain his nerves. 

Severus suddenly went completely stiff and as you followed his line of sight, you realized why.

“What can I get you Severus.” Your younger self had immersed once again, this time as a bartender. The shocked look on Severus’ face amused you. He’d never looked so confundled before he’d met you for the second time. 

“Are you following me?” He shamelessly let out. 

“ _Me?!_ I’d do nothing of the sort,” You placed a hand on your chest adding a bit of sarcasm to your tone, acting as though he’d offended you to the highest degree while offering him a small smile. Severus eyed you a moment and you laughed at the interaction, realizing now how silly it looked from an outsider’s perspective. 

“Firewhiskey,” he finally said, adjusting himself in his seat to get comfortable. “Double.”

You looked over to the bar and watched as you reached for a clean glass and a bottle of Firewhiskey. “So, what brings you to Hogsmeade?”

This was the second time fate had brought you together and you remembered thinking it had to be some sort of sign, that coincidence couldn’t possibly explain this encounter when you’d done nothing but think about finding him again after you left your old job. You were nervous that night when you saw him again, wondering if you should go as far as to get to know him a little.

“I work at Hogwarts,” he said, watching you pour his drink before pulling out a second glass and doing the same for yourself. “What are _you_ doing in Hogsmeade?” 

You tore your eyes away from the drinks your past self was pouring and looked at Severus to find an oddly curious look on his face. He seemed intrigued rather than skeptical as the tone in his voice perceived. 

“Fate,” you said, smiling to yourself, keeping your gaze on the bottle you had in your hand as you sealed it and went to put it back on the shelf behind you. “I got let go at Flourish and Blotts. Said they didn’t need me after the school rush anymore, so here I am.”

You picked up both glasses and offered him one. Watching the interaction had you suddenly feeling the aftertaste of the Firewhiskey on your tongue as your own image take a sip. At this point, you remembered wanting to know more about Severus. He was intriguing to you, different than those you’d met in England thus far. He seemed to have lived a long life despite looking to be in his late twenties. Looking back at Severus, you began to wonder what he thought of you the first time you’d met. 

“So, what do you do at that mysterious school?”

“I’m the school’s Potion’s Master,” he replied before taking a large sip of his own. “Have you never been to Hogwarts?”

He rose a brow at you and you could see his curiosity peek. You’d never noticed it before, but knowing Severus now, he must have thought of you as something special if he’d shown you any sort of interest.

“Nope,” you replied with a little too much enthusiasm. “I was sent to Beauxbatons because my parents thought it was more conservative.” 

You shook your head, blushing at the sight of yourself speaking of your upbringing. Keeping your eyes on Severus instead, you began examining his expression, trying to memorize every detail of his face. But once again, the image before you began to vanish, and you found yourself in the darkness once again. It seemed as though fate also had a cruel sense of humour, taking away the thing you love just when you felt yourself ready to grab hold of it again.

Spinning around, you tried searching for the new image that should have formed around you by now, but you could only make out a few lights to your left and you’d begun to think something had gone wrong until you realized you were in the dungeons of Hogwarts. You were standing in Severus’ old chambers, before he’d become Headmaster. All you could make out was the pale tone of his face reflecting the yellow candlelight and his hands which were held up close to his neck. 

Walking closer to him, you realized he was standing in front of his mirror, tying his ascot, looking nervous once again. You smiled and simply admired him as he looked his reflection up and down, obviously unhappy with what he saw, but you couldn’t say you felt the same. He looked perfect to you, even his hair which he couldn’t seem to stop fiddling with. 

You’d never seen him like this before, so worried about his appearance, unable to stand in place. Finally, he walked away from the mirror, whisking away into the sitting room where he began pacing, debating something you could see he was on edge about. You bit your tongue, wanting to ask what was wrong until you realized how stupid that was. He wasn’t really here, this wasn’t really him and you’d clearly been shifting through these memories long enough to forget that. 

You frowned, just standing there waiting in anticipation for him to make his next move. Eventually, he composed himself enough to open the door to his chambers and make his way out towards the Entrance Hall where you finally remembered what night this was; your first date. 

This was the first time you’d seen him out of his teaching robes, all dressed up in his navy-blue formal attire. You’d been waiting on the other side of the doors he’d opened, probably more nervous than him. He’d visited you many times at the Three Broomsticks after your first encounter there, finally offering you a tour of Hogwarts months later when the students had all left for the holidays. 

You watched yourself step inside from the cold, shivering with your arms wrapped around yourself. You let out a giggle as you realized how nervous his first date with you had made him. It was adorable, though you knew what Severus would say if he’d caught you using that word to describe him. _‘Kittens are adorable (Y/N), I am not.’_ Though you would respectfully disagree of course. 

“I trust you weren’t waiting too long?” He said as he closed the doors. Your younger self was busy brushing snow off your jacket, but you could see the concern in his eyes. You knew that look and it saddened you to see him wear it so early in your relationship. How had you not noticed before his worry over disappointing you had started before you’d even officially began to date?

“Not at all. You’re just on time,” you replied, meeting his gaze with a warm smile. “This school is huge! Will we have time to see it all today?”

“No, but I thought I’d show you the more grand parts of the castle before dinner,” he said, accompanying you down the hall.

“So, does that include your classroom?” 

You followed the figures, watching Severus closely, his eyes beginning to soft as he grew comfortable with you. It was an amazing first date and you were happy to relive it. 

“If you wish.”

The figures suddenly disappeared as they walked down the hall and you found yourself standing in the dungeons again, this time outside of the Potions classroom where Severus was hesitantly leading you. You remembered this part of the tour; the best part of the castle, unable to help yourself from imagining him teaching a classroom full of students, but it was clear Severus didn’t feel the same way. His nerves were back and he looked unsettled as he opened the door to let you into the room.

“Wow,” your younger self said under your breath and you just couldn’t help but roll your eyes. You were exaggerating your interest and it made you wish the next memory would appear already to relieve you of this embarrassment. But you held out and kept watching if only to remember the lust you knew would blossom between the two figures in the memory. 

Ignoring your weak attempt at flirting, you instead resumed your admiration for Severus, trying to read his thoughts through his expression, but all you could see was the unsettlement he’d shown back in his chambers when he was preparing for your date. His eyes darted back and forth from one table to the next, analyzing it as if he was searching for a reason to punish some non-existent students. Was he nervous about the state of the room? Is that why he’d hesitated when you begged to see his classroom earlier that evening?

“So, is this where you work? This is your desk?” You spun around at the sound of your own voice, following Severus’ line of sight to watch you run your fingers over his desk at the head of the class. 

“Indeed, it is,” he said cautiously walking up to you. You followed along and watched him approach you as you leaned on the edge of the desk, smiling as if you were about to do something devious. A moment of silence passed, both figures exchanging looks before you spoke again. 

“Thank you for today Severus. I enjoyed the tour,” you bit your bottom lip and pushed yourself up so you were standing but a small grasp away from him. _There it is._

You sighed out of sheer joy when you saw Severus’ breath hitch as your figure leaned in, placing both hands on his shoulder and pressed your lips to his. He went stiff and you could feel his lips press against yours as you watched, your fingers instinctively hovering over your mouth at the loss of contact you felt. 

Your smile grew and tears formed under your eyes when he began kissing back, wrapping his own arms around you, pulling you in tightly before your image quickly pulled them both back a step, enough so that you could jump onto the desk without ever parting from him. The kiss quickly became heated as you wrapped your legs around him, his hands slowly making their way up the desk as he leaned forward, your back pressing against the wood of the desk. Your first kiss looked so normal from here, but at the time, you felt it to be the most magical moment you’d ever experienced. He was amazing the first few months you’d spent together, you could relive every second of it and you only wished you could. It was nice to see this moment again, but you wanted more. You wanted to _feel_ him, to feel the emotions you felt when you were with him back then, not just observe the faint memories of you both falling in love with one another. 

“No,” you whispered as the classroom behind the two on the desk began to fade. “Not again, please!” 

You begged the nothingness that gobbled up one of your happiest memories, but it was too late. They were gone and you found yourself in yet another memory, a more recent one by the looks of it. You were in your shared chamber; the Headmaster’s chambers. You heard the door slam shut and began looking around, trying to find your figure along with Severus.

“No,” you said when you spotted him, realizing what memory this was. “No, Severus please. Why would you show me this night?”

You spoke to the figure as if he could hear you but of course, he ignored you and slumped into his armchair, the light from the dying fireplace illuminating his outline enough for you to kneel right before him, looking desperately into his heavy eyes, tears forming, threatening to fall down your cheeks as they did his. This was the night you’d left, the night you regretted full heartedly and it hurt to see the aftermath of your fight; the broken man that sat before you. 

“I’m sorry Sev, please, I shouldn’t have left, I’m sorry,” you said desperately before giving into the one urge you’d been fighting during this trip down memory lane and tried to place your hand over his only to have it pass right through. You couldn’t bear the pain anymore and felt yourself break down as the memory kept playing. You placed your face in your hands and let your heartbreak escape through the tears you shed. 

You’d do anything to take it all back if you were given the chance. If you had a time turner to spare, you’d sit there spinning it until you went back to the right moment to fix things, no matter how long it took. If you’d stayed with him, you could have helped save him, you should have stayed to convince him to fight for the Order. It wasn’t supposed to end this way. This wasn’t supposed to happen. _You never should have left!_

Was this your punishment? To be reminded of what you could have had with him? What you’d lost after making the biggest mistake of your life? You kept your head in your hands until you heard Severus shifting in his spot and you opened your eyes just in time to watch him pull out a box from his robes. You looked down at it, focusing your vision to watch him fiddle with the box, the same nervous and disappointed look you saw from your first date, the first time you met now scribbled all over his face once again. 

“Oh Sev,” you whispered as you peered inside the box he was slowly opening, revealing a small, but elegant engagement ring. Your vision blurred again as fresh tears formed at the realization of what you’d done. You wanted to scream, to cry until time reversed itself and gave you the chance to rewrite history. He loved you. He wanted to spend the rest of his life with you and you’d slammed the door in his face, rejecting him before he could even ask, all because you let this battle, this damn war cloud your judgment of him. 

Severus suddenly stood and you instantly rose, staying as close to him as you could while he walked over to the fireplace, picking up the clock you’d given him for Christmas the same year you’d begun dating and popping out its bottom. He slid the ring inside the clock and reassembled it.

“Oh Sev, I wish you’d asked,” you said through tears despite the fact that you likely wouldn’t have given the same answer back then as you would now. It was true what they said; you really didn’t know what you had until you lost it, and it took losing Severus to know that what you had with him was real and true. It took losing him, knowing you could never speak again to realize how much he meant to you, no matter which side of the war he stood.

Looking back at the clock, you watched it disappear along with the fireplace. 

“No, no not another one, please I can’t take anymore,” you pleaded, but it was no use, Severus was gone and once again the scene around you changed and you were back in the Headmaster’s office. For a second, you thought it to be over, that you’d been freedom from your ward, but when you looked to the side of the room, you saw the pensieve was put away and all the figures in the portrait present, which meant this was yet another memory. You let out a defeated sigh, feeling as though this truly was a punishment you weren’t sure you could bear any longer. 

“Severus, you made a promise.” You spun around when you heard Dumbledore’s voice, trying to search for his figure, but it was Severus you’d found instead, standing in front of a portrait, looking as broken as he did in the last memory. “You must stay by Lord Voldemort’s side until the time is right. You’re the only one that can do it.”

“You should have picked someone else,” he said looking as miserable as ever. You’d in fact never seen him like this in all the years you’d known him; broken, hollow, left with no ambition, nothing left to live for. “(Y/N) left yesterday. I’ve lost everything to this war.”

You walked closer to him, realizing what he was saying, what he was asking to do. He wanted to come after you, to abandon his post, the position he’d worked too hard to gain, killing Dumbledore, betraying everyone he cared for, all to become he-who-must-not-be-named most trusted follower. He was ready to throw it all away for you. 

“You said-”

“I know what I said! I was wrong!” He spat at the portrait. You took another step towards him, ready to make the same mistake you’d made earlier and attempt to hug the memory only for it all to disappear before you. This time, instead of a new memory replacing the darkness, you felt yourself being grasped and pulled out into the real world. 

You feel back onto the floor, losing your balance when you came out of the pensieve. All those memories, everything you’d just learned was all too much. Severus hadn’t betrayed you after all, he wasn’t a Death Eater, he was a hero and he’d died just that. You should have gotten up, returned to the battle that was sure to resume any moment now, but you couldn’t. Your body couldn’t handle any more. You couldn’t do anything but lay there on the floor, crying until you had no tears left to shed. 

It all felt so meaningless now; winning the war, defending the school. What was the point when you felt like you’d already lost? The hour was up but the chaos had yet to resume. You barely had the energy to drag yourself up and recollect all of Severus’ memories let alone join the others and see what would become of Hogwarts. 

Closing your eyes, you took in a trembling breath, trying not to think about the breakdown you felt was on the verge of exploding out of you and gathered yourself enough to leave the office. Standing there as the gargoyle closed, you looked down the hall that led to _his_ chambers. You weren’t ready to revisit the place where it all fell apart yet that’s where your feet were taking you. 

Everything was right where you’d remembered it, nothing had changed, not even the picture you’d taken together at the Yule Ball, still propped up on the coffee table beside the armchair. It still smelled just like him, the closet in the bedroom still full of clothes; yours on the left, his on the right. He hadn’t bothered to throw a single thing away, your comb, your toothbrush, your journal still sitting exactly where you left them, nothing had changed. 

Waking over to the bed, you picked up his pillow and pressed it to your nose as you closed your eyes and slumped down onto the mattress. Hugging his pillow with the upper half of your body pressed against the black silk covering the bed was the closest thing you felt you’d ever get to feeling his touch, smelling his hair or finding comfort in his arms. Still it wasn’t enough, it would never be enough. 

You missed him so much, more so now than you had the last few months you’d been apart. Your body shock but you had no more tears left to shed. Your mind searched for memories of Severus, but you couldn’t find any more left to mourn over except the last moments you had with him. His eyes slowly glazing over with darkness as his soul escaped your world, leaving you behind. 

He’d spent his last breath sharing all of himself with you and you had to honour that. He died so that the Wizarding World may prevail, and you couldn’t let that go in vain. You composed yourself the best you could, thinking of the victory you had to win for him and dragged yourself back to the sitting room.

You looked over the bleak outlines of the furniture you’d spent hours sitting in with Severus before making your way to the fireplace. Picking up the clock, remembering that Christmas morning you shared together, you turned it over, popping out the bottom to find the ring he’d hidden still sitting there, waiting to be worn. You removed it and placed the clock back in its place, shifting the ring around between your fingers to reveal text engraved on the inside of the band: _‘Always and forever yours’._

It was a beautiful ring, small, but you were never one for theatrics and he knew that. The diamond in the middle was crystal clear, pure as he’d once described you to be. Beside it, two small emerald stones were placed on either side, signifying his promise to you; that he will always be with you no matter what the future held. Looking at it now, the memory of him holding it in this exact spot where you stood, you could almost feel his presence around you, as if he’d just proposed and you’d abruptly accepted like you so desperately wanted. 

You quickly whipped away the single tear running down your cheek and slowly slid the ring on the ring finger of your right hand, symbolizing what should have been but never was. He was gone yes but his legacy would live on, you would make sure of that. 

Before heading out, you searched your pockets and removed the flasks carrying the last memories of your lost love and placed it next to the clock on the fireplace, removing his wand from your person as well, carefully laying it before the clock. 

“You can rest now Severus,” you whispered, hoping that by some miracle, he’d hear you from the afterlife. “I love you so much, I hope you knew that.”

And with that, you slowly backed away from the fireplace and withdrew your wand, ready to fight for the good of the Wizarding World, for Hogwarts, for love, for Severus Snape and everything he stood for. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Ok, I’m sorry 😭😭😭😭
> 
> Scenes taken (and edited) from the books: Harry looking into Voldemort’s find to find his location and the heartbreaking shrieking shack scene.


End file.
